"This club needs to get itself more than one Topper!"
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Is this the perfect capsize?
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0 to 12 HSC Guide to wind strengths - after racing!
0 Stone Cold Sober:
Able to stand unaided, everything in focus, boats are packed away, fresh shower gel smell pervades the room, drinks only bought when cajoled, sensible conversation abounds.
1 Feeling Warm:
Very slight deviation from course, but no stumbling, a very early Sunday morning training is organised for next week, voices kept low as Duty Officer is now sitting in the corner nursing a can of diet coke.
2 Slight Inebriation:
Some incoherence, eyes have glassy appearance, occasional slur. Past regattas discussed, some exaggeration, winning times marginally decreased, boat speeds more or less accurate.
3 Gentle Glow:
Some bantering, drink bought for new member. Race margins always exaggerated, times halved, enjoyment factor of last regatta doubled. Boat speeds increasing noticeably. Recovery times lengthening. Wind becoming heavier/lighter/flukier/solider.
4 Moderate Inebriation:
Pronounced slurring, voices increase in volume, some bad jokes re-told, offers of drinks to entire group.
5 Well On:
Speech becomes incoherent, (Chance of some spray) Speed of boats in knots over-estimated by factor of two. Some slight references to curries/pies/ pizza. Renowned Duty Officer now takes two hours to site Committee Boat while buddies sit on start line in 30 knots waiting for him.
6 Half Newt:
Tables move, jokes get worse, (Probably some spray). Some boats now unbeatable, weather last time out worst/best in living memory, margins and times now increase/ decrease by a factor of four. Some old dinghies are bought at inflated prices.
7 Full Newt:
Whole club in motion, plans prepared to publically flog the Sailing Secretary. Pockets emptied and used for next round. Some mention of "Vindaloo" many bags of nuts and crisps purchased. Inconvenience may be felt when walking to the loo as you swear the clubhouse is somehow now wallowing in a tide over wind scenario.
8 Semi smashed:
Immediate group flotilla to the Greek Islands organised, some glass breaking, insults are extensive. Beer is spread over adjoining tables, new round ordered, kitty is increased. Immediate trip to next Nationals venue is on the cards. More talk of curries. New sailors warned about the dangers of high speed roll-gybing. Boats now capable of 20 knots even with mainsheet wrapped round stern quarters. Bungs lost, progress generally impeded.
9 Near Smashed:
Table dancing is commenced, some structural damage, some falling. Bones may break, injuries may go unnoticed, friends may refuse to acknowledge that assistance is required. Broken colleague is returned to his tent, dumped and covered with wet gear for comfort.
Seldom experienced before collapse, friendly regattas organised in Plymouth and Largs for the same week, equipment lent to club dickhead, offers of marriage abound. Boats now quicker than ‘Oracle Team USA’. You remember hiking on gunwale for 45 minutes straight between G and D, sailed up to the club house with ripped main held in teeth. Some moans from car park, severe swelling may be evident, all cries are ignored. Some spray, much foam. Ornamental trees may be uprooted.
Trans-oceanic training session organised, more deposits taken, new round ordered, many full glasses may be seen, bodies falling everywhere, medical treatment required, no pain felt, cake cupboard raided, out of date nuts and pork scratching’s eaten with relish. Start looking for your phone to order very large vindaloo curry. Much whiskey of unpronounceable name disappears quickly, everything blurred. Small and medium sized sailors may become lost for a time. Visibility affected.
12 Out of Skull:
Communications impossible, speech becomes lost in profanities, old grudges surface, past regattas recalled in detail, all measurements quadrupled, boats now faster than Exocets, even with bungs missing and running rigging droguing astern. The air is filled with foam and spray. The recycle glass and tin baskets are full and overflowing.
Thoughts for the day
Education is important but sailing is more importener!
Two thirds of this planet is covered by water, so two thirds of your time should be spent on it!